1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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