Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
