Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
this just has baby written all over it
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
