cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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