I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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