remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
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