Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
