I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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