don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
