peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
