You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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