Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
