someone threw a dead crab at me
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just had sex on a roof
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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