im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
