i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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