I bet he comes in French.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
