I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
