Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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