im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
