My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Barsexuality is the new black.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
