Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
