onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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