i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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