Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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