what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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