I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
