Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
