it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
