Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Two words: blizzard sex
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
