I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
