My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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