TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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