WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
