Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
