he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
you made out with another girl for some wings
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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