Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
