I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
