I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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