So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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