i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
