im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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