I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
