I wish I could teleport
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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