my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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