He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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