I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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