I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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