they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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