Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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