She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
