I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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