He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
