You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
