I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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