Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
