i wish starbucks made bloody marys
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
