I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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