my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Let's paint friendship bongs
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
