whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
