I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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